me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
You Might Also Like
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Note to self: always read the final line
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary