Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
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it’s finally my moment to shine
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
asking santa clause for nudes
Finally
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.