Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
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And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
How do you milk an almond?
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft