[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
You Might Also Like
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers