Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
You Might Also Like
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
Not even remotely sorry.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women