Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
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Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids