Skills
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Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Fluff me with a fork baby
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones