Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
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what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Food gives you energy to nap more.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Breaking news:
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?