He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
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Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Autocorrect completely socks
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…