– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
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When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me