I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
You Might Also Like
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
yeet
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!