me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
You Might Also Like
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
ACED my prostate exam!
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go