When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
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You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.