Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
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[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor