Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
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Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.