Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
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i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
My five year plan is a meteorite
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Ugh but profoundly
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days