Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
You Might Also Like
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.