paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
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waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
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How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
This classic never gets old . . .
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.