Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
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[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
sliding into dms like
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.