just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
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There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Does your wife know you’re single?
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!