I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
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governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
I had to Stop for this
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
My favorite farside!!
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?