WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
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Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Worst Native American name ever.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.