Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
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If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey