Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
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[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
True
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday