DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
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math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too