Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
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It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?