WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
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Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
This will never not be funny 😭
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.