I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
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Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
This is Sparta
Proctology is located in A55
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?