Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
You Might Also Like
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.