Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
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I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.