You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
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Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes