I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
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I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room