[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
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Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!