[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
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My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
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