[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
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The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.