I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
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Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
What my back needs
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
we all know this pain all too well
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection