My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
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Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
And they lived apathetically ever after.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why