The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
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baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
When you try jalapeños for the first time
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.