The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
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My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
😅😅😅
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”