You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
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before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.