Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
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Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Sign at work today
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.