I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
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We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
the last thing a carrot sees
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.