You Might Also Like
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.