My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
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you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.