The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
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To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too