If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
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How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I’m awake but I object,
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.