Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
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Okay
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
The pasta is now
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”