Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
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gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!