Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
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Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV