How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
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HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
*adds resume embellisher to resume*